The E! True Hollywood Story of: Mariah Tappe

I recently discovered a book containing key information to unlocking the secrets of one Mariah Tappe of New Richland. I decided to follow through with this information by using it (and prior knowledge) to conduct an interview with Mariah.

Good afternoon, Mariah. It's a pleasure to have you here.
No, no. The pleasure is all mine. Where did you get this wallpaper?

I believe it was Home Depot. Now, let's get down to brass tacks. If you could have one wish come true, what would it be?
Definitely to meet Britney Spears. She's so cool! Or I would want money because it's green and spendable.

Speaking of Britney, didn't you also once say you would "walk in her shoes for a day" and "meet her above any other celebrity?"
Yeah, I did say those things. She just seems so nice. I'd love to see what it's like to be famous and have money like her.

That sounds a little conceited.
What?

Moving on, if you were a cereal, which would you be?
Rice Krispies. I just think it's amazing how they get them to snap, crackle, and pop. I can't figure how it works!

So other than your answer to the previous question, what is the most embarrassing experience of your entire life?
My pants ripped a little in school once. I thought I was going to cry. My therapist says that's what's ruined my life.

I thought being stuck overnight in a funeral home was what ruined your life.
No, that was my sister Mackensie. She always has loved dead people.

I'll remember that. Could you describe yourself in just three words for me?
I would say funny, smart, and pretty.

Again, that sounds a little bit conceited. Am I right?
What?

Forget I said anything.
Okay.

Anyway, what do you believe is the nicest thing you've ever done?
I gave to carraty once.

Excuse me?
I gave money to UNICEF one time.

So you mean "charity."
No. I mean UNICEF.

Ugh. Forget it. Who would you say you love?
Nick Carter.

I apologize to our readers. What do you like best about your appearance?
My hair. It always looks amazing!

So, Mariah, if you could be any character on The Brady Bunch, who would it be?
I always liked Cindy. She was so young and confused. Her hair was always fabulous, too.

I would be honored if I wasn't in this situation right now.
What does that mean?

It means...it's great to have you here.
Why thank you! I'm enjoying this!

Glad one of us is. Now, if you had a secret to keep, who would you never tell?
Jessica. She has a big mouth.

Well, since I'm not Jessica, what's your deepest, darkest secret?
I'm not telling you.

Why not?
That's a secret too.

I hate you.
You hate juice? Why? My favorite is apple. It tastes really good with apple pie.

Great. More useful information. Instead of gaining more stupidity today, I'm going to skip the rest of my questions to get to the one everyone is dying to know the answer to. If you had to choose one person to be stranded on a desert island with, you would choose...?
My mom.

Wait a minute. Your mom? The person you call "The Woman" and talk trash about all the time?
Yeah, that's her.

Why her?
Good point. I think I'm switching my answer to Katie or Taylor.

Well, coincidently we have an all-expenses paid trip to a desert island for you and a guest. The first person you name will be your only friend for the rest of your life. Who will it be?
I should probably call The Woman to let her know I'll be leaving...

Your mom it is! Thank you very much for joining us today. Enjoy your trip!